Are you a chronic complainer?

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace:” (1 Peter 4:8–10, ESV) 

A friend of mine once told me that they were planning to take a family member out to dinner for their birthday, but they were not looking forward to the event. I assumed that this meant that there was an ongoing conflict between the two and asked what the source of the conflict was. My friend told me that there was no conflict but that when their family member interacted with servers at a restaurant, they often were overly demanding, hyper-critical, and rude. He said that it seemed that his family member was never satisfied and consistently critical to a point that he was embarrassed to share a meal with him.

I fear the consumer-focused world we live in encourages a complaintive spirit. Business owners rightly are concerned that a bad review, fair or unfair, could hurt their business. Consumers today are well versed in all the ways that opinions and reviews can be posted online about businesses. This, along with the often-repeated mantra that “the customer is always right,” creates an atmosphere where entitlement and selfishness can run amuck.

Over the years of my pastoral ministry, I have made many hospital visits. It has been interesting to me how different people experience the same hospital. I usually ask how the person is doing, and generally, their response will include something about the care and service they have received from the hospital. Some say that the food is good, the nurses are attentive, and the overall care is great. Others, who are in the same hospital, say that the food is poor, the nurses will not respond to their calls, and their overall experience is bad. Over the years, I have found that most people are consistent in their experiences. Those who have good experiences tend to continue to have good experiences, and those who complain that they were not well served will tend to continue to report bad experiences. Now there is certainly a debate to be had about the causal and correlational reasons, but I think it cannot be ignored that often when some complain about the performance of others it is more of an indictment of their critical spirit rather than an accurate assessment of others.

A man once told me that he had tried every church in the community but was disappointed to find that there was something wrong with all of them. I did not doubt that every church in the community was imperfect but what concerned me more was the fact that this man did not recognize his own hypercritical spirit. I think it is fair to say that when you come to the point that you think everyone else is less than you and no one meets your standards, you have moved dangerously far from a heart full of grace and disastrously close to a grumbling spirit.

Being gracious towards others begins with an honest recognition of your own need for grace. The gospel is counter-cultural, and so is being kind, gracious, and slow to complain. There is a loveliness that comes with graciousness. There is a nobility that comes with refusing to demand your way. There is a good testimony given when you respond with kindness even to the shortcomings and failures of others. 

Incivility and hostility seem to be on the rise in every area of life. The political class speaks of a loss of decorum and a need to return to civil discourse. The airlines report a sharp increase in incidents of passengers behaving badly onboard. And sadly, related behavior has found its way to the church as well. No, I am not saying that church members are fighting in the isles, but I have noticed that among some who have some level of prominence there seems to be a quickness to accuse and recalcitrant attitude towards forgiveness.

Everywhere in scripture where there is grumbling and complaining, you also find the displeasure of God. Our goal in life must not be to always be served well. Our highest desire must not be the defense of our rights or what we think we deserve. Our pleasure must not be found in the diminishment of others. We bear testimony to what God has done for us in how we treat others. While the world grows more hostile, let the church grow more in grace. While it might be socially acceptable to be a complainer, rant online, and participate in gripe sessions, let the words that flow from our lips (or typed on our computers and phones) be filled with the kindness and grace we first knew in Christ.