We are people of stories. We tell stories to chronicle our history and express who we are. The stories we tell about ourselves paint the mural of who we are, what events have shaped us, what we hope to become, and how we hope to be remembered. Our stories are living things. How we tell them, when we tell them, who we tell them too, and what details we include (and exclude) all are part of the living story. Listening to others tell their stories helps you understand and know their heart. Understanding and knowing another’s heart goes a long way to helping you be more gracious towards them.

In a previous church I pastored, there was a woman that could best be described as cold and prickly. She seldom smiled and generally had a stoic expression. When we interacted, her words were cold and stilted. I knew very little about her background other than she was a widow and a mother of adult children that no longer lived in the community. She never talked with me about anything of personal significance, and frankly, in response to her prickly demeanor, I had done little to engage her in conversation. She seemed cold and indifferent in every interaction we had and thus, I often avoided her if I could. However, my attitude and heart towards her would be unexpectantly transformed.

I was visiting the home of an older church member who recently had surgery and who lived across the street from this lady. He was a very likable man and one who enjoyed talking and telling stories. He told me, as he had on many other occasions, stories of his days in college and of moving to town. I laughed at the same jokes I had laughed at the many other times he had told me these tales. As he sat in his recliner, he pointed out his window towards the other houses on the street and told familiar stories about his neighbors and how long he had lived in his home. As he told me his stories, I listened, knowing all the major plot twists as I had heard them many times before. That is until he included a story he had not previously shared. He told me of how he and his wife and a few other couples in town, that included the woman I found so cold and harsh, had once traveled to a college football game together. The story started with facts that seemed benign and began to unfold in a familiar fashion. As I listened, he unexpectedly delivered a very critical judgment concerning the character of this woman’s husband. He said that he was amazed that she had been able to put up with him for the entirety of their marriage. To give context to his character judgment, he continued his story about the trip to the football game. He told how, in the presence of the group of friends, this man became angry over an insignificant annoyance and struck his wife in the face. My friend shook his head as he remembered the event with disgust. It was clear that he was still disturbed by what he witnessed even after these many years. The conversation eventually moved on to less important matters, but at that moment a transformation was taking place in my heart.

I eventually had prayer with him and concluded the visit. In my car, as I drove away, I began to pray for this woman that had endured such difficulty, hardship, and sorrow in her marriage, all the while remaining faithful to her marriage vows. I asked the Lord for forgiveness for the hardness of my own heart toward her and repented. From then on, when I encountered her prickly demeanor, I responded with greater kindness and received her words with less enmity because I knew more of her story.

Showing grace towards one another starts with recognizing that you do not know the whole story. To know someone takes time and patience. In a world where we have so many tools for communication, we are struggling with the simple act of listening and knowing. Listening to another does not mean that you will always agree with or like what you hear, but there is grace and dignity when we give the gift of listening. By listening to the life story of others, we come to know and better understand their heart and how they see the world. It is a good gift indeed.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19–20, ESV)